fishing in the river of life

My Grandpa and I were going fishing one Sunday afternoon. We were walking towards a small pond about a 1/2 mile from the gravel road we had pulled to the side of. It was about 10 miles from anywhere substantial. We plodded over several hills through the neatly clipped cow pasture . It was on Logan Hodge's farm, he was a friend of the family and the Deputy Sheriff for the county.

When we got to the small murky brown pond, no more than 30 feet across, I asked Grandpa what he had brought for bait. He reached into a big paper sack that he had been carrying and pulled out a huge package wrapped tight in white butcher paper.

He was unwrapping the paper very slowly and I leaned in closely in eager anticipation to see what mystery he was slowly uncovering.

With a quick flourish he simultaneously unwrapped and unleashed a giant pinkish red blur and slapped me upside the face with a rough, foot-long cow tongue. He slid the tongue over my face as he laughed uproarilously and I fell backward down the bank, almost into the pond before I caught myself in startled surprise.

A cow tongue! Grandpa had brought an enormous cow tongue as bait. He proceeded to take out his pocket knife and hack small bits of it off for us to use as bait. Gross.

...to be continued....

when life is craptacular

So how do you make it through a crappy day?

My day started out with me finding out the guy I had been dating is a lying manwhore. It really couldn't get much worse from that point on.

So what do you do when your day, your week….maybe the last several months have sucked? And sucked HARD?

Well, I can tell you what I do. No stupid platitudes…no "buck up little camper"….

I connect with friends. That connection…that conversation…can always be an important touchstone that grounds me in hope. So I make that call, send that IM chat message. It works.

I spend some time with my 2 cats. Two innocent, sweet, loving creatures that depend on me for everything they have. That innocence, that simplicity of needs, that unconditional love…it reminds me that I have responsibilities to stay focused on the now and stay grounded in my responsibilities to them and everyone else. I all need to do is pick one of them up and hold them to my chest, listen to their deep purring and feel their rapid heartbeat. That moment is priceless.

I take a hot bath with a good, mindless book. Nothing too mentally strenuous, but a good fictional story that takes me out of my current situation and lets me escape for a moment. Relaxing in a hot tub with a good book. It works every time. I have a library of books that I turn to in hard times. "In Tune with the Infinite" by Ralph Waldo Trine, anything by Ernest Holmes or Neale Donald Walsch.

I also have some songs on my iPod that are my happy songs. "Stoned Love' by the Supremes, "Love Grows" by Edison Lighthouse, "Justified and Ancient" by KLF, "Downtown" by Petula Clark,….I love my music therapy and happy tunes can definitely help my attitude.


I also have some other DVDs that are guaranteed to lift my spirits…."Three Coins in the Fountain", multiple Laurel and Hardy DVDs, "Hellboy" (okay, I LOVE the line "Sometimes all we freaks have is each other."), "Before Sunrise", "Drop Dead Gorgeous", the anime series "Cowboy Bebop"…. to just name a few. I would strongly recommend having a library of films that make you feel good. It doesn’t matter what kind of film they are. All that matters is that they make you smile, laugh, or feel good about life or yourself.

And lastly, "The List". It is a list of reasons to live. A list of goals, things I want to achieve, friends I have, dreams I want to come true….learning to ride a motorcycle, swimming on a beach in Costa Rica, living in San Francisco, having a loving and devoted partner, having 2 cats who love and adore me….you get the idea.

So when I have a particularly shitty day, week, month…or year (like this one)… I turn to these life preservers. Sometimes they only keep my head above water. But having my head just above water is much better than slowly sinking to the depths of darkness.

Depressed? Jesus can help.

Depressed? Jesus can help.

That's what the electronic billboard in front of the church by the freeway said. In twenty foot high sparkling letters.

Depressed? Jesus can help.

I didn't find comfort in the sign. I just felt angry after reading it. I've tried the Jesus remedy for depression and I can tell you that he didn't help me with my depression. I'm not talking about a sad feeling every now and then. I'm talking about wearing a thick, heavy, sopping wet coat of depression that you wake up wearing every morning and you go to bed with every night. I have been wearing the same coat now for over 30 years. I am so damned tired of wearing that coat.

I tried praying. And fasting. Sometimes for several days straight. And memorizing passages from the Bible. And having people lay hands on me in supplication to Jesus. I begged, cried and pleaded on my knees, for years, asking Jesus to take the depression away. The depression that I have battled every day of my life since I was a kid. The depression that runs in my family and drove my grandmother to "take to her bed", as people would politely say, for the last 20 years of her life. The same depression that causes my mother to isolate herself from everyone and everything, just a slow motion suicide as she withers into a gnarled and bitter old woman.

So, my question is, if Jesus has the power to take the depression away, but for some reason hasn't, doesn't that just make him a sadistic jerk?

What kind of God would choose to not answer my prayers and supplications? Is it just sport for him? Does he get off on withholding the answer to my prayers? Or do I need to do something…do I have to perform some additional act of faith? Were the years of prayers and fasting and going to church three times a week and memorizing scripture and going door to door witnessing and going down on the inner city streets talking to homeless people and prostitutes about the wonder working power of God…was that not enough? Do I need to do even more? Would it be more entertaining to him and perhaps catch his favor if I jumped through flaming hoops like a circus poodle?

How about simple faith? Just believing and trusting in him…not trying to do any good works…will that do it? I have sat in quiet prayer and thanked him for taking it away and getting up and walking away in faith believing. But it still comes back. Same as ever.

Depressed? Jesus can help.

What a condescending, irresponsible Hallmark greeting card platitude. Am I angry? Yes I am. I have been lied to. For over 30 years I was lied to. I was told that once I asked Jesus into my heart that he would heal all my hurts and pains. I was told that he loves me unconditionally and all I had to do was pray to the Father in the name of Jesus and God would hear my prayers and because he loved me God would answer them. I've not been praying for a Ferrari and a house in Bel Air. All I've asked for is that God would take away the depression that has decimated my family and has eaten at me all these years.

After being told "no" for over 30 years I have stopped looking to Jesus for the answers. Giving myself the freedom to look elsewhere and freeing myself from a belief system that held me in bondage are the first steps to finding the help I need. I am no longer going to look outside of myself for the help I need. The road to my healing leads within.

Depressed? I can help myself.

I don't care what it's called.

...carry on...

The only thing that matters is that I do it.

...persevere...

Some days it's all-consuming.

...endure...

The only thing I can concentrate on.

...keep afloat...

Nothing else seems important.

...hold on...

Everything else is shallow and pales in comparison.

...prevail...

At day's end I am exhausted from the effort.

...withstand...

But I can lay my head on my pillow

...defy the odds...

and rest deep in the knowledge

...weather the storm...

that I can do it again tomorrow.

...steadfast...

I am a survivor.