Depressed? Jesus can help.
That's what the electronic billboard in front of the church by the freeway said. In twenty foot high sparkling letters.
Depressed? Jesus can help.
I didn't find comfort in the sign. I just felt angry after reading it. I've tried the Jesus remedy for depression and I can tell you that he didn't help me with my depression. I'm not talking about a sad feeling every now and then. I'm talking about wearing a thick, heavy, sopping wet coat of depression that you wake up wearing every morning and you go to bed with every night. I have been wearing the same coat now for over 30 years. I am so damned tired of wearing that coat.
I tried praying. And fasting. Sometimes for several days straight. And memorizing passages from the Bible. And having people lay hands on me in supplication to Jesus. I begged, cried and pleaded on my knees, for years, asking Jesus to take the depression away. The depression that I have battled every day of my life since I was a kid. The depression that runs in my family and drove my grandmother to "take to her bed", as people would politely say, for the last 20 years of her life. The same depression that causes my mother to isolate herself from everyone and everything, just a slow motion suicide as she withers into a gnarled and bitter old woman.
So, my question is, if Jesus has the power to take the depression away, but for some reason hasn't, doesn't that just make him a sadistic jerk?
What kind of God would choose to not answer my prayers and supplications? Is it just sport for him? Does he get off on withholding the answer to my prayers? Or do I need to do something…do I have to perform some additional act of faith? Were the years of prayers and fasting and going to church three times a week and memorizing scripture and going door to door witnessing and going down on the inner city streets talking to homeless people and prostitutes about the wonder working power of God…was that not enough? Do I need to do even more? Would it be more entertaining to him and perhaps catch his favor if I jumped through flaming hoops like a circus poodle?
How about simple faith? Just believing and trusting in him…not trying to do any good works…will that do it? I have sat in quiet prayer and thanked him for taking it away and getting up and walking away in faith believing. But it still comes back. Same as ever.
Depressed? Jesus can help.
What a condescending, irresponsible Hallmark greeting card platitude. Am I angry? Yes I am. I have been lied to. For over 30 years I was lied to. I was told that once I asked Jesus into my heart that he would heal all my hurts and pains. I was told that he loves me unconditionally and all I had to do was pray to the Father in the name of Jesus and God would hear my prayers and because he loved me God would answer them. I've not been praying for a Ferrari and a house in Bel Air. All I've asked for is that God would take away the depression that has decimated my family and has eaten at me all these years.
After being told "no" for over 30 years I have stopped looking to Jesus for the answers. Giving myself the freedom to look elsewhere and freeing myself from a belief system that held me in bondage are the first steps to finding the help I need. I am no longer going to look outside of myself for the help I need. The road to my healing leads within.
Depressed? I can help myself.
