I was lying naked and scared on a narrow plastic shelf-like table that was protruding from the open CT scan machine. A thin white hospital sheet had been draped over me starting at my upper thighs and was tucked in all the way down my legs. To my right was a beige tray table on wheels. And on it was the biggest needle I had ever seen in my life.
up up up
The bad news and the reason for me lying there was I had a diverticulitis abscess the size of an orange on my colon. The even worse news was that it needed drained for a few days then surgically removed. And the absolute most awful news of that day was the spear-like needle the size of one of my Mother's knitting needles was going to be stuck in my lower abdomen while I was wide awake.
to a higher place
The two doctors, two nurses and three CT technicians were standing over me, glancing back and forth at x-rays and making marks on my abdomen with a blue marker. They were noting the exact spot they wanted to image with the CT scan. An IV was started with a mild sedative of Fentanyl. What? That's it? You mean I'm going to be awake during this procedure and all you're giving me is a mild sedative? Oh crap.
up up up
Everyone stepped out of the room as I was slid into the CT scanner while it hummed louder and louder. A small window into the machine was directly over my face and several red laser lights were sparkling and crisscrossing each other. A little sign next to the window warned "Do Not Look in Window During Scan". Great. Too late.
far beyond this time and space
A tinny voice over the loudspeaker ordered me to take a deep breath and hold it. Release it said. Now once more.....okay you can breathe now. The beige tray full of Mark slid out of the CT machine and everyone came back into the room. I didn't tell them I had been breathing the whole time.
up up up
The doctors were looking at the marks they had placed on my abdomen then looking at the CT scan pictures. Glance at my abdomen, point, muted discussion, make another mark, look back at the CT pictures. The shortest green masked person picked up the needle and held it over my face and began to explain the procedure that was going to take place. I have no fear of needles. But this was a 20-guage sheath needle. That meant it was hollow so a tube could be fed through it down to the abscess then out to a drainage catheter. That meant it was BIG. It meant that it looked like a javelin to me and everything the doctor was saying from that point on became garbled as I immediately began to flop sweat. I felt cold and nauseous as the beads of sweat went racing down my forehead. Another masked person pulled a chair up, took my left hand into both of their hands, bent down and began speaking softly into my left ear.
to a higher place
A soft, concerned voice that sounded like my cousin Lynn told me to imagine myself in a happy place. I was squeezing her fingers tight as my mind raced...happy place happy place omigod where's my happy place? Then it hit me. Right as she asked if I was ready I closed my eyes and went to the happiest place I could think of. A place that felt like home. A place where I felt loved and accepted. Calm, soothing piano music began playing and dozens of gentle voices starting to sing softly, slowly...a little louder...a little louder...and then I felt the doctor plunge the needle deep into my abdomen.
I feel my soul rising
I opened my eyes and I was standing in the third row of my church. The pews in front of me were filled with people. Reverend Michele was standing on the platform with two singers, they were flanked by enormous flower arrangements. Hazy warm light shone through the stained glass high above the back of the platform. I turned and looked to my left, then looked behind me. Surrounding me, beside me and behind me were people that I had grown to love in my short time at Creative Living Fellowship. There was Reverend Michele, Kimberley and Anthony, Dr. Peggy, Jean, Tammy, and Lonnie. They were smiling at me as they sang. We were singing "Up Up Up" by Daniel Nahmod. The music, their voices, their love wrapped around me like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. We're all done. You did great Mark.
to a higher place
I didn't want to leave my happy place but when I opened my eyes I sighed in joyful calm as I realized I had a perfect place to go when it hurts.
